You Know You're Mint When You Do Shit But Are Still Mint

Today I fucked up. Women can turn their ears off because a football rant is forthcoming. I will, for your benefit, rant about cross stitch, horoscopes and dancing on ice in the coming days. Gentleman can turn their ears off because the coming rant is extremely foul mouthed and not suitable for the blue of blood or any dick over 50. However, those of you thick skinned enough to tolerate several swear words a paragraph, multiple references to violent crime and perhaps the odd invocation of war atrocities can read on in safety.

This story does, however, have a happy ending, because at the end of the day, it's about me, and everything about me ends happily because I'm a ninja mombitch.

In fact, who am I kidding? There is no happy ending. Today I made a prick of myself by punching thin air having drawn attention to myself by shouting "keeper" extraordinarily loud, and allowing some tall prick with silly hair to score a simple header. Thus, I had the second horrific mare of my goalkeeping career.

Those familiar with my Manchester goalkeeping exploits will be aware of the line of fire upon which I danced. The line that divided genius with failure. Success with unmitigated disaster. You will also fondly remember that I never dipped my toe on the wrong side of that line, except for the time I punched that kid in the face and conceded a penalty (which was missed).

Sadly, against Middleton I threw a backpass into the feet of a striker using my knee, allowing that joke team to go 1-0 up. The duck having been broken, I have been living on the edge ever since, until today. Today I fucked up again.

But that's good. It serves two purposes. Firstly, my feet remain on the ground despite my lighter-than-air balloon head exerting upward pressure on my body. This is vital because, with a head my size, you require heavy feet to prevent yourself from floating off into the distance.

Secondly, it reminds other people that even Johan Cruijff-esque attacking midfielders pressed into sterling duty in goal can make mistakes from time to time. Even if they are as awesome as I am. Thus it is good for the morale of the rest of the world, albeit at the expense of one or two people.

So it's true that today I improved the world, despite making mine into a piece of fucking shit, at least until tomorrow.

Benx