I stumbled across this list today. It's a list of things to do if you're single on Valentines Day. I wasn't looking. Honest to God. I don't need relationship advice from anybody about anything, least of all from some words on a screen written by some anonymous freelance dickweed sitting in their mothers basement drinking warm milk. The only person in the world qualified to dish it out is me, so ignore all of the advice in this list. Instead, join me in laughing at its stupidity.
1 - Have A Movie Night - "Now is a great time to catch up on Freddy vs. Jason."
Because I want all of my future girlfriends to think I am some kind of unstable, bipolar psychopath who can't wait to penetrate their skull with an icepick, I will invite them around to drink beer, eat steak with hot sauce and watch movies about serial killers dressed as gimps. Thus, this suggestion makes perfect sense. Why did I ever doubt the veracity of this article or, more pertinently, the authors claims to have lost his virginity? I feel so stupid now. Thanks.
2 - Think - "about how much money you save by not buying flowers, boxers, lingerie, teddy bears and jewelry"
My first concern here is that the author buys boxers for his other half. The author is, I feel, slowly revealing himself to his readership. The first suggestion pigeon-holed him as a brutal murderer, and the second suggestion indicates he's gay too. My second major worry is that the suggestion is then made to spend the money on "half a textboork for next semester". Where the fuck is he buying these solid platinum textbooks? It very much surprises me that a guy who learned everything he knows about women from a .pdf he downloaded from the internet has never heard of, or used, eBay. But on second thoughts, it shouldn't really surprise me at all. Anyone this stupid simply cannot be in any form of education. Thirdly, if you're single on Valentines Day, the last thing you want to do is think. You'll start off innocently enough, deciding what Real Madrids best back four is or something, but you know it's only a matter of time until your mind wanders, you start to get miserable, and you start picturing countless couples sat around tables, split in two by candlelight, moments away from hours of relentless beastmaking.
3 - Listen to some angry music - "Nirvana - Lithium"
This suggestion is passable, but I'll see your Lithium and raise you Silence is Deafening by Napalm Death.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJS76JZbP1s
4 - Call Someone - "Let them know you are still alive"
This suggest is so, so full of fail it actually hurts. The last thing you want to do when your pizza face is sitting at home surrounded by pizza boxes, stinking clothes and The Great BeerBottleWall of China, is to telephone someone and tell them how you have lost the game of life and are now sat at home fiddling with yourself whilst you watch MTV. If this is how your life has become, rather than reminding someone random you're still alive, you're probably better off letting them continue to assume you're dead.
5 - Bake Something - "For people that are baking challenged, there’s always break and bake cookies."
I think I'll leave this one to the women.
6 - Play Some Tackle Football - "Taking someone down is so rejuvenating"
Whilst I agree that taking someone down is, indeed, highly rejuvenating, I'm not sure a game of armoured wankball is the best scenario in which to do so if you're need some violence therapy. I would suggest you don a sexually suggestive mask and sneak down an alley with an icepick, awaiting an innocent passer by, but there may be hot girls reading this. Just in case you were wondering, I'm not that bipolar whatever I was banging on about earlier. Don't be ridiculous. If I wanted to kill my girlfriend I would put a lot of thought in to ensure I did so in the most humane way possible. That would be to use a giant mousetrap. A dead mouse was found at work today in one of the mousetraps. It had been killed instantly and looked so serene. America should take note; when it's worrying about whether lethal injections or the chair cause suffering, they should instead just consider beheading. Jesus, this rant is getting dark, isn't it?
7 - Do Some Craft - "Remember those friendship bracelets? Time to resurrect them!"
You'll have to just trust me on this one, but it really isn't. Leave friendship bracelets to the kind of people who get wrapped up in student politics and CND rallies, and just hope that if we ignore them long enough they will all piss off to communes on Dartmoor, in New Forest or, with luck, the big catered and fully furnished one on Guantanamo Bay.
8 - Do Some Pre-Spring Cleaning - "Your lungs will thank you".
I'm not sure about you, but I personally have no asbestos or anthrax under my bed, so my lungs aren't really in much danger as of now. I can smell a few slightly below-par things; an old yoghurt pot or two, my dead plant, and the Chinese dude cooking fish next door. Nothing that could actually damage my health however. I'm more likely to find a smattering of Tequila bottles, used up prostitutes and hard drugs down the back of my sofa than short change, because my life is the most rock and roll this side of Erdington. Were this the case, the prostitutes and drugs can go out with the trash, but I'm keeping hold of the Tequila, thank you very much. Everyone has their vices. Some take drugs, some womanise. I drink, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Speaking of womanisers, I wonder what happens to them today. Is today the day that the girlfriends all meet each other and hang, draw and quarter the player? Or does the player just save up all year so he can afford four romantic meals and taxis between them? These things I shall never know.
9 - Go And Work Out - "Since many people will be getting a workout of a different kind, the gym will be next to empty"
Sex is an alternative for excersise? Sweet, forget what I said before. Women, apply in writing by Friday 15th February and you could be in my bed that night! There may be a waiting list.
10 - Realize - "That it's ridiculous to worry about being single one day out of the 365"
Did you hear that? That slow... repetitive... tapping... sound... that you can hear is the sound of my head banging off the wall again, and again, and again, and again. The reason I googled for things to do on V Day isn't because I'm taken the other 364 days of the year. It's because I haven't a fucking clue what to do and anyway, I don't call being single for 24 hours a year a hardship. I call it a day off. Before I start to sound too emo, and cry so much my eye-liner dyes my orange juice black, I will suggest what you should do on Valentines Day instead of all this shit.
Go out. All the couples are shacked up somewhere, leaving you nothing but hot, single women to prey on.
Of course, realistically you'll just get a cockfest everywhere you go, but what do you want? Cake that is to eat?
Benx
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