Five Reasons Why I Should Be In Fabio Capellos Team

There are countless reasons why I should be at the hub of this England teams flowing attacking moves, knitting together play and scoring occasional wonder goals to snatch 1-1 draws away to Andorra. Here are the five most prescient.

1. I am a model professional when it comes to drinking, partying, eating shit food and trying (failing) to sleep with too many women. Football has too many boring characters now, because they are expected to behave like reasonable human beings in public. This is despite footballers not being reasonable human beings. Far from it. They are cocaine fuelled, fire breathing sex machines with a fetish for beating up members of the Asian community. They are sozzled primadonnas with more money than fashion sense. They have more money than testosterone, though it's a close one, and behead anyone who they feel may be gay. I think we can all agree that these characteristics are neither normal nor boring. However, recently footballers have been raising money for charity, setting good examples to the children of today and treating women with respect. I would bring an immediate end to this, and continue in the great tradition begun by my hero, Robin Friday (I would say ask your dad, but even he probably won't know, so look him up).

2. This cunt gets in instead.

3. I am a genius with the ball, but do not run. I don't care enough about this shitty country anyway. Fabio Capellos new regime seems to totally disregard players who have boundless natural ability buried deep inside them, but that never breaks the surface due to a total lack of desire to try any harder, or to give a shit about you, your team-mates, or your country. Because we can't have an England team without one or more of these players, I think I should be an automatic choice when Frank Lampard is either injured or suspended.

4. My motivational techniques are unparalleled in both their diversity and effect on my team-mates. When I feel a team-mate isn't trying hard enough, I call him a wanker. When I feel my team-mate has made an inexplicable mistake, I scream that he is a wanker. And when I am left out by my manager, I hit him in the face, fire a ball of burning vitriol in the rough direction of him and his backroom staff, and then walk on the pitch anyway, calling everyone who tries to stop me a wanker. When players celebrate goals, I call them wankers. When I score, I shout that everyone who doesn't celebrate with me is a jealous wanker. In short, I inspire my team-mates by reminding them that they are wankers. Thus, I should be from Toxteth and hailed by all as Englands talisman and a future England captain.

5. If we're ever fucked, I can go in goal.

Benx