The Only Celebrity I Care About is Lindsay Lohan

I think almost all celebrities should die in a fire. They are reprehensible pieces of shit with no soul. They do anything for a little bit of attention. They cry in public and have breakdowns and everyone cares. They go to jail and complain that they cannot use moisturiser on their skin. They also cause dumbass lifeless teenagers to turn into this abonination;



There are, naturally, some exceptions to this rule. By some, I of course mean one. And that one exception is Lindsay Lohan. Yes, thats right. She's the trashy ginner who's always fucked and driving at the same time and who used to be hot but went really skinny and now eats drugs like skittles. But you know what they say about your first love. You always view them through rose tinted glasses, and my love for Lindsay is no different.

Believe it or not, there's rationale for this too. I'm not just following my penis. I view her as a female version of myself, except with money and fame. This is, as with all my comparisons, entirely accurate. First, she has a huge self destructive streak running right through her from her messed up head to her cute little pinky toe. Girl see booze, girl consume booze, girl get fucked and do stupid stuff. So far, so Statcat. Secondly, she thinks she's fucking mint and should get whatever she wants. Of course, being rich and famous, she does, whereas I have to settle for getting what I want only about none of the time because almost nobody knows who the Statcat is. Lastly, she is a nymphomaniac with a love of English accents. I would be most becoming of this.

Secondly, because I'm so sensible, mature and inspirational, I believe that I am the guy who can save her from her current demons. She is addicted to cocaine, booze and sex with strangers, but I know that if she'd just give me a chance, I could get her off the cocaine and nurture her other two addictions to acceptable levels (e.g. all-consuming levels). Eternally grateful, she would then indulge in sex and booze with me on a daily basis, improving both our lives immeasurably. I have always been attracted to women who need protecting; I can't explain it other than to suggest that it is my hormones and pheromones telling me that I'm a massive badass caveman who must protect my mate and cubs from the werewolf like in the stone ages.

Lastly, she's different to all the rest because she simply doesn't care about anyone else. The other celebrities care far too much about what people think. For example, Angelina Jolie has had around 16 different images in her career, Christina Aguilera about 45, and Madonna is the missing evolutionary link between Man and Chameleon. Linday Lohan is happy to be the ginner cokewhore, and I am really attracted to that honesty of spirit.


So, as I'm sure you'll agree, we're the perfect match. I just hope she doesn't die soon, but she probably will.

Benx