The government thinks that it has a role to protect it's citizens. It's wrong, of course. The world would be a far better place if we were allowed to just get on with using electrical appliances with wet hands and letting babies stick forks into toasters. We should be allowed to consume drugs with reckless abandon and have fights in the street. We should be allowed to shoot terrorists, anyone we deem to possibly be a terrorist, and people we just don't like in the face with no warning.
Unfortunately under this modus operandi we have to listen to bullshit. We aren't allowed to eat drugs because they harm us. We aren't allowed to smoke indoors because little Billy will catch AIDS and explode. We aren't allowed to drive fast because we might hit some old dear, who should probably already be dead, as she crosses the road.
Despite the pussification of our country, most of these laws actually improve us. If we do not eat drugs we can run faster and jump higher. If we do not smoke we remain free from AIDS. If we drive slowly passers-by die less often and in less spectacular ways. These are all positive outcomes, and the government, despite being really wussy, should be commended for its foresight.
I must then ask why Guitar Hero isn't banned. Guitar Hero is more addictive than porn, more pointless than making daisy chains and more psychologically damaging than a rusty ice pick through the skull, yet its influence is allowed to spread unabated. The game has a street value of around £70, but unlike other drugs, only one purchase is necessary, as it then attaches itself to your hands, leech-like, and sucks away your free-time, social life and fingernails. In around three short months, the user is gradually reduced to a tearful, gibbering wreck, shaking in the corner, only a shadow of their former selves. The effect is not unlike that of a very, very bad acid trip, only without the possibility of having a good trip. Ever.
Even the best of us are not immune to it's awesome destructive power. There was a time, around a month ago, when I was a dashing young graduate with good teeth and prospects. I was world renowned as the most immortal person on the planet bar none. Today, I am a shell of a man, my soul splayed away by round after round of Guitar Hero. I wear the same tracksuit bottoms for weeks on end and eat only what I find up my nose or stuck to my bumfluff. And this is after only a months exposure to Guitar Hero. Unlike other radioactive substances, Guitar Hero does not become less harmful over time. In fact, it becomes more potent with each passing day. You complete it on easy, medium, and once you've had your pinkie finger surgically repaired, hard more. You spend the next month blabbering incoherently and hallucinating orange buttons on walls before you beat expert. Another two months pass before you finally, whilst smeared in your own faeces, get five star ratings on all the songs on expert.
It is between that milestone and the next that most players finally kick the bucket. Unlike other illnesses, there is no known cure for Guitar Hero other than suicide. I know of between zero and seven instances of players beating themselves to death with their plastic guitar as they fail for the six thousandth time on the intro to Through the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce on expert mode. One player was discovered hanging from the ceiling with an apple in his mouth and his plastic guitar deep in his arse, with the words "Through the Fire and the Flames; Completed 1%" displayed on his TV, his face an unnerving mixture of agony and ecstasy.
Even completing this song does not signal the end of the illness. There is no escaping, for the victim now enters the score zombie phase of Guitar Hero. Unlike other genetic defects, score zombies are neither understood, nor studied, nor allowed out in public under any circumstances. The victim simply stands, naked and unblinking, surrounded by a den of pizza boxes and beer bottles, tapping away at the plastic guitar improving their top scores by 10 or 20 points a time until their life is claimed by scurvy, rickets, or some other horrible form of malnutrition.
Yet, despite this shocking prognosis, the government will not step in to outlaw Guitar Hero. How long will they stand by whilst English men in their early 20s slowly turn into demented shit-throwing vegetables? How long will they allow the brains of their country to wither and die in a maelstrom of coloured dots and 80s hair metal? How long will they continue to let lives be destroyed?
Thus, I pledge my vote for the next election to whichever party promises to outlaw Guitar Hero. Just not until I've completed it.
Benx
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