A Cheeseburger in a Can is Worse Than Terrorism

Mankind has created a number of monumental things, like beer, sex and chicken jalfrezi. It has also created a number of terrible things, like Mo Mowlams moustache, Channel Five and dieting. However, two of the worst things it has invented are terrorism and the Cheeseburger in a Can.

I'm not shitting you. It exists. Look at it.

Would you eat that? Do you honestly think it looks like that when it comes out the suspiciously small can? All fresh onions and juicy beef?! Do you cook it in the can or out the can? Is it Aberdeen Angus? Does it come with or without relish?

The cheeseburger in a can is symptomatic of the lazy world we live in today. I am all for being extremely lazy at every viable opportunity, but even my fat white ass isn't lazy enough to cook a cheeseburger in a can. I am reluctant to microwave a meal, preferring instead of chow down on mashed up spicy lamb thats been spinning on a stick in front of a radiator for three days, a.k.a. the kebab. To purchase a kebab you are required to walk to a takeaway, thus negating the laziness of this option. Low is the man who dials up a takeaway to have a kebab delivered to their house. Low indeed. But lower still is the man who consumes a canned cheeseburger, and lowest of all is the man who does not warm his canned cheeseburger prior to consumption.

Indizzle, those people are more damaging to the world than terrorists. A terrorist, also known as a freedom fighter, is someone who fights passionately for a cause they believe in. Although we may, nay should, disagree with their methods, they are activists who go out and do things, who try, in their minds, to improve the world around us. They tend to be fit and healthy, although mentally unstable.

The person who eats a canned Cheeseburger has already admitted defeat in life, and does not intend to improve the world. They are happy to do nothing. To respire until they expire. To take up space and insult my eyes. I want to punch them in the face with my size ten army boots.

But what of the cheeseburger itself? What does it symbolize? I'll tell you what. The death of western fucking civilization. Destroyed by apathy, laziness and the totally outrageous priorities of the average person. Hey, my government are killing thousands of innocents in a far away sandy county, my state pension is now worth nothing and I'm going to die of MRSA next time I go into hospital but, never mind, Pop Idol is on in a minute and my canned cheeseburger is almost ready.

One terrorist might kill fifty people, but one canned cheeseburger symbolizes the pathetic death of an entire fucking culture, and I'm not happy.

Benx